by all my journal entries that involve the topic of the opposite sex. I am especially sickened by the obvious fact that most of the entries discuss the same member of the opposite sex. I am additionally sickened to discover that over a time span of three years, I seem to have come to no new revelations in any of the entries, but instead repeatedly follow the same pattern and come to the same epiphanies. By definition then they do not qualify as epiphanies because the same sudden realizations are not new, just refreshed every few months. The best way to describe is to say I follow the same pattern, realize I am following the pattern, stop the pattern after having a so-called epiphany and then unconsciously fall back in to the pattern as the cycle persists.
Although the most recent entry about him spans at least 8 months back, I can not even bring myself to post a single one because of my deep feelings of embarrassment. Embarrassed for continually making the same mistakes and tricking myself in to thinking they were different. Embarrassed for wasting so much time and energy obsessing and pining over someone who probably never really cared. How could I have spent my time instead? How would my life be different now if from the first warning sign I just stopped? In some weird way I am following the same pattern again. Another entry devoted to the same member of the opposite sex. The same guy that has multiple entries written in his honor from the past four years. Cheers to devoting my adolescent heart to someone who never gave a crap.
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