Lack of Control

I hate when things are out of your control. When you are unable to institute any kind of change in a particular circumstance and you just have to embrace the unknown and uncontrolable nature of the situation. Some people enjoy this aspect of life. They like not knowing where there life is headed and waiting for the surprise outcome of situations. I, on the other hand, am not one of those people. I like to know what is going to happen before it does, or being able to influence situations when I desire. So for me, it's scary and unsettling when I have to knowingly enter a situation where I possess no say. I do not enjoy the unknown, or maybe it's not that I do not enjoy it, but on top of liking to be in control I am extremely impatient. Extremely. I have peeked at birthday presents and loath the word "maybe" or the phrase "I don't know yet." HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW YET??? WHAT does maybe even mean?? I like firm answers, black and white, clear cut. I do not value indeciseveness because I experience less stress when things are known and decided.



So the current situation, for which i do not feel comfortable citing specifics, contains many of the elements I find unnerving. There are too many maybes, too many unknowns, and too much waiting involved in this whole process. It is a serious excercise in restraint for me to not naturally revert to my normal reaction, which is to just become frustrated and shut down. Normally when I revert back into this behavior, I simultaneously shut out the people involved. I am doing my absolute best to not do that this time around, but it is proving to be very difficult. It's hard to correct behavior, even when you know that behavior does not best serve you. So, i guess at this present moment in time I will have to settle with having a lack of control over the present situation.