then what

Sometimes, my curiosity gets the better of me. Okay, frequently it gets the better of me. I don't know why I let it, but I do. So today, I allowed it to happen. I knew that I would not like what I saw, but I still submitted myself to looking, to stalking. It's not really stalking I supposed if someone lets the whole wide world see their information, but I should have known better. So here I am, now sitting with a terrible knot in my stomach because I saw what I did not want to see, but knew I would. He talks to her. It may seem small, but I know him and I know he does not waste time on girls he is not interested in. They obviously talk, share a similar sense of humor, so why wouldn't he be interested? I guess I should have taken the hint when he told me to let it go, for us to try being friends. What can I say? I am stubborn. I do not like to listen, so this is what it gets me, a slap in the face of reality. He may not be over me, to a certain degree he probably isn't but he is moving forward and it is not with me. He told me this, so why do I still want to make him the bad guy?

I want him to be responsible for this disgusting feeling stirring inside me. I want him to be responsible for my obsessive behavior even though I am the only one to blame for my own suffering. I brought this feeling on myself. It feels worse when I think of it that way. He lied and I know that. He lied about some really big things and I know that. Why do I want to be with someone that lies? I shouldn't but some part of me does. I know the obsessing is coming from not trusting him, he lost that trust. The obsessing comes from fear of being alone, from fear that I was scammed and it never meant anything. I am trying so desperately to hold on the last possible thread linking us together. I am not quite ready to let go, obviously. I am the cause of my own suffering and I am choosing right now, in this moment to dwell on a relationship that did not ever really exist. Maybe that is the most challenging part to accept. It was not ever real.

I found this great quote about a week ago.

“The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be- and when they're not, we cry.”

There is the truth. I trusted him for what I wanted him to be, what I wanted the situation to be. This was neither fair to him or I and made the separation approximately 50 times harder than it needed to be. Okay maybe 200 times harder. I trusted him like I would trust a partner, an intimate partner who was devoted only to me. He was never that. I was never that. I am mourning many losses on many levels. I have let this entire situation consume me so much that I am constantly being taken out of the present moment by over concentrating on this, this nothing. I am currently reading If the Buddha dated. It talks a lot about the cause of personal suffering and how to talk ourselves through our fears. One of the activities it talks you through is called the, "then what?" exercise. You state whatever it is you are feeling or fearing and then ask the question, "Then what?" The purpose of the exercise is to talk yourself through a fear and realize that as you continue to pose the question, then what, the fear's intensity or the feeling becomes smaller and smaller.

This is the conversation I am having with myself about the current situation.

"I am afraid that he is going to move on and therefore never want to be with me."
"Then what?"
"Then I will feel rejected and sad."
"Then what?"
"Then I will probably cry and maybe eat some chocolate and talk to my friends about it."
"Then what?"
"Then my friends and the people close to me will remind me that I deserve better and when you are meant to be with someone it should not be such a struggle."
"Then what?"
"This advice will probably make me feel better and I will come to realize that it is not worth my time to like someone who does not want to be with me. It is not fair to me."
"Then what?"
"Then I will be more able to come to terms with the situation. Maybe I will still be a little sad, but I will move forward."
"Then what?"
"I will open myself up to someone who does want to be with me. I will be able to find someone who does like me."