Last Day

Today is my official full last day in California. I do not think it has hit me just yet that soon I am to be returning home to my responsibilities and problems. I do not want to think of it this way, but I do. I would not qualify this trip by any means as a vacation. In my mind, when you are on vacation you take a complete trip away from everything in your life that links you to your life. It's like you are able to separate yourself, only momentarily from your day to day existence. I did not at any point disentangle myself from my day to day because there were routine things that I still was required to accomplish while in California. Part of me is ready to be home with the people I love and my daily way of operating and part of me wishes I could just leave it all behind. There is no such thing as starting fresh completely because wherever you go, in some form your old story will still follow you. I guess then it becomes about choosing a different story and deciding where we want to go next. I think our old stories can be an opportunity for growth, but it is not necessary to make the same story true for us day in and day out. Maybe when I return home that will be my focus, creating a new story for myself. I am exhausted by my same problems, my same daily struggles. I do not want to carry around the same baggage any longer. Although I will not be rid of my responsibilities and problems upon returning, I feel that in this short trip I have managed to take a broader and clearer view of my situation. Sometimes what is needed is space to gain a better perspective. It becomes challenging to see the messes we tangle ourselves in while we are in them.

Though I am deeply saddened by my grandmother's situation, I think in her current condition she is teaching my so many lessons about life unknowingly. She has taught me to not waste time, because each moment is so precious. When we allow ourselves to become entwined in the daily routine, we lose sight of the things around us as we are put in to a trance. It is not until that sight is taken from us that we begin to miss the same daily sights. I do not want to spend my life in a trance. I want to take hold of every moment and see my environment before it is too late to enjoy it at all.