http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFWGOKuFyjk
If you have ever watched the movie "When Harry met Sally" then you are well acquainted with the famous point that men and women can not be friends. Billy Crystal's cynical and forward character explains to Meg Ryan's innocent and naive character that it is proven fact that men and women are incapable of being friends because the sex part always gets in the way. He goes on to say that whether or not the attraction or desire is mutual has no influence on the simple fact that it still effects the relationship. The man is just waiting for his chance to pounce, regardless of the woman's interest in her supposed friend. In simple terms, putting a man in the "friend zone" does not undo his feelings or make him a friend.
I think the best name for this situation is "boys on the bench." They're simply waiting until they are called into the game for their chance to play.
I have struggled with this theory because I felt it invalidated all of my male friendships. Are they really my friends if secretly or not so secretly, they are waiting to be with me? Do they value my company or just spend our time together fantasizing? And, if they aren't just my friend, or my partner, what are they?
After mulling over those questions I have come to the following conclusion. Men and women can not be friends. Put aside the possibilities of sexual orientation because I am purely speaking about a heterosexual male and female. We were made to procreate, to experience chemistry and connection and not for the sake of just feeling it, but to do something about it. So applying this idea that underneath it all we are driven by attraction and feeling, men and women are not friends because that part is still a component of the relationship, whether it is apparent or not.
As I have grown older that underlying voice of desire has become increasingly louder in my male counterparts. I have always felt I had an easier time befriending boys than girls, but am questioning those friendships more and more. My "friends" are becoming more honest, and while I typically value honesty, in this circumstance I lack appreciation. Like the moment your parents tell you Santa isn't real, all you want to do is yell, "No, you're wrong! I don't believe you," and then you burst into tears because you've known for awhile and are upset because you are not little and stupid anymore. Well, with that as my comparison, I'm angry that I can no longer be little and stupid and want to yell "No, Billy Crystal, you're wrong!"
I remember watching, "When Harry met Sally" with my ex boyfriend and we paused after the point where Billy Crystal shatters Meg Ryan's idealistic view of female/male friendships. For a moment we just sat there in silence, because we realized I was Meg Ryan and my ex boyfriend was Billy Crystal. The days prior to watching to this movie he had tried for a tiresome ten minutes to convince me that my male friends were not really my friends. I of course, in my strong will, argued my hardest, partly knowing he was right. But sitting there in that moment with him just made me give in. I replayed those times when my "friends" stopped talking to me once I had a boyfriend, but re initiated contact after the relationship ended. Or the hurt looks on their face when I would mention another guy. Oh yes, I just waved my little white flag and turned to my ex with an expression that read, "Please forgive me, I was little and stupid." He pressed replay and we finished the movie without another pause.
Since that first viewing of "When Harry Met Sally" I have posed the question "Can men and women be friends?" to many people. I ask mostly women and 90 percent of the time they're initially hesitant to answer. But after being given a few minutes, they gently shake their heads and reply with a simple "no". With that "No" we kill our inner Meg Ryan, but realize it is the right answer when we hear those yelling boys on the bench.
7 comments:
I don't know... I think by saying that men can't just be friends with women you are simplifying the male gender to immature, sex-crazy, creatures. Honestly, I give men more credit than that. The cultural idea that men are always just waiting to have sex feels offensive and trite. Maybe I'm naive in thinking they are more complex and individual than that but I don't know.
Can men and women be friends? I hesitate to answer because that's a complicated question. Like Elizabeth I do give guys more credit than that but then again maybe I'm just giving them the benefit of the doubt. Can men and women be friends? That's kind of like asking can cats and dogs be friends? No of course not. So maybe I am leaning more towards no, but I can't really decide I don't think it's really ment to able to come to a conclusion. Can women and men be friends?
To respond to both, I purely think it depends on your definition of friends. My point in this entire entry is not to demean men, because i think women can easily do the same thing. My point is best stated when i say, "So applying this idea that underneath it all we are driven by attraction and feeling, men and women are not friends because that part is still a component of the relationship, whether it is apparent or not." I am essentially saying what drives us to befriend someone of the opposite sex is attraction, whether it be just about sex or more than that. My best example is of when couples are married. I've never heard of wives "hanging out" with male friends or vice versus. And from my own poll of both adult and teenage males who claim to have women friends, tell me that the relationship for them began or is based on a level of attraction.
I agree that friendships can begin based on a certain level of attraction but that doesn't necessarily translate into sexual attraction. For a good relationship to work it is important to be attracted. I'm just saying it isn't always the case in friendships. I have male friends where there is certainly so sexual attraction from either side. What about having friends of the opposite sex when you are in relationship? What would those qualify as? because they do exist. I know mature men who are married and have no desire to have any sort of sexual relationship with their female friends. There are other more important things that they draw from those friendships. And visa-versa.
I guess we just don't agree. It's a good discussion though.
My opinion is based from my personal experience, so maybe I have yet to encounter a "mature" male. I appreciate your comments because I would rather spark a discussion with opposing views than none at all.
I have always believe that every person is different, that is different the way they behave to different situations and that i should no generalize from previous experiences but in this situation and from previous experiences i have to agree that boys and girls cannot be friends at the end one of the two is going to want to be something else than just friends, but it goes both ways i ended up in relationships from girls that were my friends and made friends with the goal of a relationship in most occasions that did not work . I think we choose who do we want to be friends with and who we want to date, the problem is that boys go as far as girls let us to, so whatever we get a friendship or relationship is thanks to girls. By the way i also want to mention that in several occasions i stopped talking to my female friends once they get a boyfriend because i did not want to cause them jealousy problems with their boyfriends is no that i like them. I did not want to believe it but now that i pay attention to my own facts i decided to agree
Very well-written and obviously well thought out. I agree with Juan, from what I've seen and experienced, many guys take a relationship that started out as platonic as far as the girl wants to take it. I think obviously this question you posed depends on the specific relationship between the two specific people, so you can't make 'yes' or 'no' blanket statements.
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